Category: Dating and Relationships
Hello,
So, I've been thinking intensly about a girl from my pipe band for about a year now. I've told her that I liked her, and asked her out a couple of times, and both times she said that she wasn't interested in dating, but if she was, and if she had a list, I would definitely be on it...I simply cannot get my mind off her, and to put it simply and with out saying what is in my head, what should I do? In my opinion, no other girl compares, and we've been friends for a while, but nothing else, and I am not able to hold myself back -- Not after dancing with her for a while at the Tartan Ball last night...
Regards,
Austin
Honestly, there's only so much advice to be offered here. if she isn't interested, she isn't. the worst thing you can do is push her. the fact that she says that if she was interested in dating, you'd be on her list, is somewhat promising. it's not a flat out rejection. So, keep the communication open, but definitely don't try to push her.
You have to hold yourself back, as you put it. If you don't, you'll push her away completely, and then you've lost her friendship, as well as any chance you might have had of more. It may be slim now, but Jess is right. She hasn't all out rejected you either, so be careful how you handle things. If she changes her mind eventually and becomes interested in dating, if you're cool about it now, you might still be on the top of that list in the future.
I'd suggest you treat it like a rejection and move on.
When chicks say they don't want to ruin your friendship, or just aren't into dating right now, things like that, they basically mean they are rejecting you. They don't say that to the rock star coming to town, the hot guy who makes 3 times as much money as you do, or any number of other groups from which they pick and choose. Take it for what it actually is: it's a rejection. Just move on. In truth, if she isn't interested / has her eyes on the next guy in a hot car, you can do better. YOU can. You can't get your mind off her right now, because you still think there's a chance. Act like there isn't a snowball's chance in hell and if I'm dead wrong, if she actually is interested, she'll make it known because you will move on and engage in other things / see other people. You stay in your own driver's seat. Don't shirt-tail her, pine after her, wish you could have her, etc. Much easier said than done, but it's the truth. Mentally wish her the best of luck with her many prospects (whom she'll not be telling that she isn't dating, by the way) and move on. And if or when she does show interest? Don't react like a puppy. Play it very cool and low key. Make her wait, see if she really wants it. Remember, in their mind, we guys are the only ones supposed to wait and not act desperate or over interested (which can mean just a drop of interest if they aren't). But that's just their imagination. Equal is equal: they're no longer just the choosers and us the solicitors. Hasn't been that way since my father's generation, or your grandfather's. However, old habits / cultural mandates die hard. Just don't play into it. Take what she said as a rejection, lick your wounds, go out with the guys and move on.
Ok, I don't have time for a lengthy post today, but I had to respond because I think leo is wrong in one manner.
There is such a thing as "I'm not interested in dating right now". You're being a pesimist, leo, when you think the next time a more desirable guy comes along she'll say yes. Girls these days are told that it's ok to be disinterested in dating. It's natural, and even normal in my generation to be uninterested. It's viewed as healthy, especially if a girl needs to figure out some things in her head before she can get into a relationship. If you think you can't handle a relationship at the moment, why get into one. Why not be honest and work on yourself first to have a better chance on a lasting relationship later? Maybe she want's to be good friends, first? Maybe she's conflicted by the fact that they're already good friends and she doesn't want to ruin the friendship by embarking on a relationship? That last arguement, in my mind is preposturous, but I'm one of very few girls who thinks that way. Many girls do in fact fret over a broken friendship when they involved themselves romantically with a friend. I know that the best romantic partner you can hope for is your friend first, but I don't lack the maturity some of the gals in my generation do. So no. sorry leo, I can almost agree with you when you say that he should move on, but I flatly disagree with you that he should treat it as a total rejection. I know you guys would see it that way, but you simply can't imagine what goes on in a females mind. lucky for you, we females are here to knock the teeniest bit of sense into you. I was that girl who was not interested in dating at one point because I had some stuff to figure out with myself, by myself. I've been asked out by an awesome guy and I made him wait because of it. He's a little bit embarrassed by this, but he stuck around for a year and a half while I made peace with my inner deamons. did he have his fun? sure. I bet he did. There were no strings attached after all; Fare is fair. But he did stick around. Fast forward to the present, and we've been together for four years, have a beautiful baby boy and we're planning a wedding. If he took your advice and took to heart that I had flat out rejected him, we wouldn't be anywhere near where we are now, so... You're mostly right, but not quite. lol :)
I agree with Bernadetta. That, and Leo, it sounds like you're encouraging playing mind games. For example, if she does eventually show interest, he should not, because he should make her wait? What's that nonsense? Why people play mind games when it comes to dating is beyond me. Say what you're feeling. If she's not interested in dating and she knows it, she was right to say it. If she does eventually show interest, and he's still free and interested, why should he not return it? What's with one person acting one way while feeling another just to make the other person wait around? I don't have respect for that kind of thing, no matter if it's the guy or the girl who does it.
Bernadetta, By "making him wait," you did the most honorable thing, by not being petty and resentful and allowing there to be no strings attached. That may be a generational difference, one to your credit I might add.
Alicia, I didn't so much mean a mind game as ... well, you know the type who just immediately texts back as soon as the call comes in, immediately responds, etc. The problem for guys is things actually ARE unbelievably complicated. How can the fellow not come across as desperate and at the same time still come off as interested? Again maybe this is a generation difference, but lack of interest is usually easier for women to forgive than desperation. Women would almost rather be with a child mollester than be with someone they brand as desperate. And that goes from the truly desperate mealy-mouthed puppy to the perceived-desperate. It's like the old expression it's easier to ask forgiveness than it is permission. To go from cool disinterest to interest is often more forgiveable than ever for any reason being perceived as desperate, which is something no man can ever figure out what she thinks is desperate at that time. Maybe you all's generation of women is a lot more emotionally stable - one can hope, but this type of instability is what causes men to do this.
You know why? Because women are smart enough to never ever tolerate the same level of instability from men. Guys, you just need to learn what us older fool idiots didn't learn, and didn't pass on, that you don't have to accept it either. Once that has all happened, you won't have to do as Alicia said, play at mind games, in order to avoid the fate worse than death, aka appear "desperate" (whatever that means to her at the time) to the chick you're interested in, if she has started to show interest after turning you down.
Alicia's right: it's all ridiculous. But instability in people creates the need for such things. Unless you all have got yourseles a lot more stable.
And sure, when I was your age women were as free to not date, as they are now. But most of the time, the poor friend of mine who got told this about her needing to find herself and not date? I never had the heart to tell them that part of her finding herself involved the lead guitar player in our band, or some band we were opening for. Which is perfectly fine in a situation like what you Bernadetta describe, where no actually meant no, where you had no strings attached. Who could possibly fault you for that? Because you eliminated the ever-present double-standard. By eliminating the double standard, to me, was such a huge step forward the protest marches of the early 90s would never even remotely compete.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, but the truth is, most women don't say what they mean, or truly feel. so, perhaps that's where leo was coming from in his first post.
I wholeheartedly agree that waiting around for this girl won't do the OP/anyone else in this situation, any good.
if they come around, great, but in my view, putting your eggs in one basket will only set those involved up for heartache.
as was said, focus on yourself/other people, and don't put too much stock in this girl. it sure sounds like a rejection to me.
Because people presume that someone else is being dishonest or not all-the-way honest, we have come to think that it's better to "appear" a certain way and not "apprear" some other way, and, and, and... well, this is why the divorce rate is so high in this country. If people would only say what they mean and mean what they say, we'd all be much happier and people would break up less over stupid things, and get together over rediculous lustworthyness rather than a reason that actually, solidly warrants togetherness.
Sorry if this post is unintelligible; I've been working hard today and my brain is fried, but I hope you guys get the point. If people weren't assuming that mind games were being played, they would have no need to play mind games themselves.
Well, I reread my original post. It was at two in the morning, so let me put it strate. Most of it was true, and I'm still not sure what to do about it, but I can definitely hold myself back, despite what I said in the OP. Just a clarification. I am not desperate... I did not intend to come across as desperate... Just clearing things up.
Austin
I'll clarify by saying you did not come across as desperate. Not to me, anyway. I only brought that into the equation because so-called desperate is one of those often-times unprovable yet guilty-until-proven-innocent saccusations leveled against guys more often than chicks. In fact, when I was younger, it was exclusively something that was leveled against us guys. Now we all have at least read about the desperate puppy tag-along follower following someone's sister around, so of course it's out there. But I suspect like most things, far less often than people who throw the word around want you to think.
And Bernadetta your post makes sense. I'm a hopeless realist meaning I see things the way they actually are, rather than the way I want them to be, or that they "should be," which accounts for some ways I come across probably.
well said, leo. my thoughts exactly.
But if you're a pure realist without a bit of optimism mixed in, how can you expect any of the current ways of the world to change? If we were all realists and nothing more, we'd never opt to strive beyond the current, very real imperfections.
No you came across just fine.
I strongly agree with Leo. She has rejected him. Okay, maybe it is only for now, but how is he suppose to know all this?
Never mind, move on. There are plenty women and if you move on you'll probably find another girl that makes you hot next week anyway, so.
Chasing the dream is a waste of time when you could be having the dream. If she happens to change her mind later, and you are free, well, don't be a pig, and reject her out of spite, jump in there and enjoy it!
For now, it is rejection, and whatever her mental state is she'll have to fix it not you.
I'd bet money Leo's right, some other guy comes along that fits her minds idele of hot she'll be asking him.
Last, that hot thing changes, so may in a month you'll hook up. I'd treat her as a friend, talk with her sometimes, and keep looking.
Write is correct if people would just say what they mean... Well he's not a mind reader, so.
I respect a woman highly who tells me "Forereel I want you!" If she says "Forereel, I'm just not interested." I respect that too. I hate mind games, and believe that if she's playing them now, maybe if we get together she'll continue.
*raises a glass of Beer to Leo. Toast dude!
thank you, Wayne. very well said.
and, who says realists can't also be optimistic? I'm generally a happy person, but I'm not gonna sit here and tell someone that this girl may change her mind, when A, there are other fish in the C, and B, it already sounds like she has rejected him.
Thanks Wayne. And cheers from a frosty mug of Black Butte Porter right back to ya.
And Bernadetta, I'm not above admitting the flaws in my own thinking. Perhaps Chelsea has found the medium but for me, what you describe can happen. Not when it comes to things I can make or physically improve, but philosophically like you're talking about. Guess every way of being has its downside.
I agree with Leo and forereel. IMO there's nothing more obnoxious and pathetic than a guy who can't or won't accept the fact that someone's just not interested in dating them and never will be. ugh.
No means no. Lol!